Logolignment

Ret!'s first and probably last article once everyone else agrees that I cannot be trusted

Ah shit, here we go again: another conference realignment grading article. I wonder what unique spin the author has to justify his innate need to be heard and feel important; perhaps this might even be moderately clever in its analysis of the inner machinations of collegiate king-making through mutual association?

Wrong

The underlying logic behind this grading system is nothing short of pure stupidity masked only by a drip of partial self awareness. Today we, and by we I mean me, grade the conferences based on how they get better or worse solely relying on the new additions’ logos and nicknames.

The basic ground rules are as follows: 1. If you don’t add or subtract any schools you do not get a grade, 2. I really mean that, 3. You can and will get a bad grade for losing schools with cool names and logos, 4. I didn’t think this far ahead so hi!

Let’s start:

America East

Grade: F

Two things. First, as I was writing this trainwreck, the AE added Bryant just to annoy me mid-creative-burst, so fuck you. From the bottom of my heart. I mean that. Second, Bryant has a bland name (Bulldogs) and a comically shitty logo that looks like a sharp vector of Ed, Edd n Eddy High School; it's so unbelievably bad and in need of a refresh that Cartoon Network hasn't put out something so visually poor since the mid-2000s and is embarrassed for the university despite not knowing who they are or where they’re located. Also, the Stony Brook Seawolves have a nice set and they’re leaving, so you get an F, America East. An F.

American

Grade: A

Now, I will say: it’s no secret that I think the new look AAC is pretty much a waste of everyone’s time and is a hilariously bad knee-jerk reaction to being poached. That said, the name and logo games are en fuego (that’s Spanish for something involving fire, I’m sure).

Sure, they’re losing a great logo in UCF and a great name in the Cincinnati Bearcats, but they’re also losing a middling logo in Houston and a boring name in Cougars, so it could be worse. The additions of UNCC’s 49ers, UAB’s Blazers, UNT’s Mean Green, and UTSA’s Roadrunners are frankly ELITE and completely make up for now having three schools using the moniker Owls. The logos are less head-and-shoulders above average: UAB, UTSA, and FAU’s are easily my favorites, with UNT being firmly in the “sure, why not?” camp. I cannot, however, allow UNCC and Rice to leave this section unscathed. Damn, your logos suck. UNCC looks like a cheap create-a-team logo from Madden, but not even the good Madden games; it’s like the Nintendo DS Madden games. The Rice Owls look like they sue companies on behalf of shareholders for giving the workers a 30-minute break instead of a 15-minute break.

ASUN

Grade: B-

Sure, you only added Austin Peay, but they’ve got a fire name (Governors) and a funny monocle man logo. You’re losing two teams, but don’t worry: losing Liberty is a gift in its own right sunglasses emoji.fuckyeah because you’re free from dealing with them and their dubious morality; fuck rule 3, you get a curve because I don’t like them.

This grade was originally a B, but – in light of the very late-in-production news that Queens University will be joining – I am docking them half a grade, mostly because I'm frustrated with delaying this piece, but also because, ultimately, if I had graded Queens’ logo and nickname, you’d probably agree anyway.

Atlantic 10

Grade: B-

I like the Ramblers. I like the logo.

Big 12

Grade: C+

Well, well, well, look what we have here: big Bob Bowlsby and the island of misfit Power 5 programs. So you lost the moneymakers (Oklahoma) and the Tennessee of the Big 12 (Texas). Let’s at least see what you did to replace some of the most iconic logos in collegiate sports.

Honestly? Pretty okay for what was available. I’m going to knock you for Houston and BYU both being Cougars and both having wildly overrated logos that are average at best. (BYU’s logo is honestly below average. I said it. It looks dumb.) Luckily, Cincinnati and the UCF Knights save the grade by having good logos and good names.

Colonial

Grade: A+

Losing the Dukes of James Madison is rough. Rough like being banned from winning your conference. Luckily, no conference would ever do that. The CAA decided to pull a mini-AAC by adding way more schools than are leaving; very quick math tells us that 4 is more than 1, I think. I don’t have a STEM degree. Don’t judge me!

As annoyed as I am by North Carolina A&T and Hampton skipping out on the Big South like a bad dad joke, the CAA is adding a great logo and name combo with the Hampton Pirates and a neutral-at-worst addition with the A&T Aggies. The Monmouth Hawks and Stony Brook Seawolves are both great additions in opposite categories: one great logo and one great name. You can figure out which is which, reader. I believe in you.

Conference USA

Grade: C

Well. Aren’t you just a gigantic disaster? Don’t answer that, we know it's a resounding yes. You are suffering from nickname attrition that is unprecedented and unseen since the days of the collapse of the WAC; gone are the days of the UTSA Roadrunners and UAB Blazers along with their great logos but, as mentioned before, at least Rice and UNCC’s logos sucked. Thought I wouldn't make fun of them again? WRONG!

Let’s look at the additions since the AAC portion was the loss column for you. Drumroll please… … …you added the Liberty Flames, the New Mexico State Aggies, the Jacksonville State Gamecocks, and the Sam Houston Bearkats. Wow. It could be worse! Not much, mind you, but it still could be! You have unique names with the Flames and Bearkats. You have names that aren't as common (but P5 teams use them so they seem less cool) in the Aggies and Gamecocks. Don’t be fooled by the P5 shadow hanging over the Gamecocks name, though: it’s a fun name because of dick jokes and nobody, and I mean nobody, can take that from you. 

Your logo game is still relatively strong as, honestly, truthfully, no shenanigans (maybe a little shenanigans), I like all the logos being added. Now sure, I hate Liberty and genuinely believe the nation would be better off with it firmly ceasing operations. And yes, it’s true: they’re a hive of scum and villainy that is almost completely irredeemable in the eyes of myself and others. And sure, they’re in Virginia, which I’m not super high on.

I’m sorry, I lost track of where this was going.

Oh yes, logos! Well, I’d say the bigots have a decent logo all things considered, and NMSU and SHSU also have clean logos. JSU’s logo is a tossup, but seeing as it’s a better Gamecock logo than South Carolina’s, I’ll throw it a bone and say it's a net positive.

The trouble with grading C-USA in any positive manner is that they just lost so much quality, aside from Rice. So, with a heavy heart, I’ll have to give them a C. It’s not all bad, C-USA: that’s pretty much a rubber stamp of “you did your best with the cards you were dealt!” So keep your chin held high until the next time you get poached to hell and back.

MAAC

Grade: D

You replaced Monmouth with Mount St. Mary’s, so not only do you have a worse shade of blue, but you also have a worse logo and nickname. Mountaineers are not as cool as Hawks and the logo looks like a whitehead zit. Congrats, MAAC, you remind me of prepubescent acne now. You barely get a paragraph. This is barely a paragraph. You barely deserve this.

Missouri Valley

Grade: A+

It hurts to lose Loyola Chicago from both an athletic standpoint and a branding standpoint. Ramblers are a truly unique, elite nickname in the college sports sphere, coupled with a solid B- logo. That all said, you absolutely NAILED IT. You got UIC, the only good Flames in D1 even though their logo looks like an art deco street sign. My only experience with art deco is The Great Gatsby and the Bioshock Series, but UIC really gives me a nice ‘50s vibe, when we all lived in peace and harmony with no negatives whatsoever.

Ignoring that geographic replacement, you also added the Belmont Bruins and Murray State Racers. There isn’t really anything I need to explain about these two additions; they’re just fantastic. The Bruins logo is unbelievably fire and in conjunction with the Murray State logo, I was tempted to give the MVC an A anyway, but the nickname Racers pushes it to A+ range. There are no negatives here; it’s just too perfect from a visual standpoint.

NEC

Grade: C-

What the hell is a Stonehill?
Oh, the name Skyhawks is pretty cool. Okay, I guess.

Ohio Valley

Grade: D-

I’m going to be spectacularly lazy with the OVC. No malice, I’m just not feeling it here and I’m not sure why. Let’s see: you lost the Austin Peay Governors, Murray State Racers, and Belmont Bruins; damn that’s rough, man, and the logos were all great? You got hosed, chief.

You replaced gold with Screaming Eagles (okay, not bad), Trojans (eh, kinda MID, as the kids say), and Lions (let's hope they’re better than the NFL franchise of the same name).

Oh god, the logos. Oh Jesus H. Christ. Little Rock isn’t great but, oh man, Southern Indiana looks like a high school logo and Lindenwood looks like a middle school that gave the art teacher a check for $250 and said “make it as Elementary School as you can”. This is truly a horrific level of logo replacement for a conference. Now I know why I was feeling lazy: Lindenwood didn’t put any effort whatsoever into their logo.

SEC

Grade: B-

Rapid fire. Great name additions: love the Longhorns and Sooners as identities. The whole “land thief” thing the Sooners have going for them is dumb, but it’s unique, and that’s what matters. The logos are less so. You might be moaning on and on about how they’re iconic and classic brands of collegiate athletics. Well guess what? I don’t care. This is my hill to die on: OU’s logo is bland and deserves more scorn. It sucks! I’m not afraid to point it out. We must throw off the oppressive yoke of “muh tradition” in college athletics that allows these ugly-as-sin logos to masquerade around as “classic” and “iconic”. They suck, they need to be told they suck, and OU’s logo f****** sucks.

Southland

Grade: C

You got Lamar back. Awesome! Less awesome is that they’re very bland as a brand. You also brought up Texas A&M Commerce, who are the Lions and managed to look more like the Lions Club logo than the actual Lions Club logo, so that's neato, I suppose. The only reason your grade is going to be okay is that Incarnate Word leaving means you traded Cardinals and, frankly, Incarnate Word is a dumb name for a school.

Sun Belt

Grade: A+

You dropped the dead weight of UT Arlington but lost their passable logo and fun name (Mavericks). However, you also dropped Little Rock and their meh name (Trojans) and the logo that looks like a brand of halitosis mints, so that’s a wash.

You also helped murder C-USA by taking great brands like the Old Dominion Monarchs and Marshall Thundering Herd. The Southern Miss Golden Eagles also came with them but let's be honest, they look like wannabe Iowa Hawkeyes and who in their right mind wants to be Iowa? Sick people, that’s who. James Madison is another fantastic addition in terms of logo and nicknames; purple is always a nice color to see and the bulldog is great, especially since they’re not named the Bulldogs. Rather, they’re the Dukes, which is a hilarious nickname for a public school.

WAC

Grade: B

So attempting to eat the Southland hasn’t gone exactly to plan, has it? 

You lost NMSU, the standard bearer for your attempt to jump back to FBS, and you added Incarnate Word, which in and of itself is a full grade being docked. I’m very serious: you cannot get an A because of Incarnate Word. Feel bad.

It’s a shame that Incarnate Word was added, as I do enjoy the Mavericks of UT Arlington and will admit that their somewhat silly logo is endearing to me. That’s coupled with Southern Utah having one of the most ‘90s names in college athletics: THUNDERBIRDS! You even get bonus points for dropping that trainwreck of a brand Chicago State has; that was borderline offensive to the eyes! It still is, but it’s not your problem anymore, so lucky you.

Overall

A+: Colonial, Missouri Valley, Sun Belt
A: American
A-:
B+:
B: WAC
B-: ASUN, Atlantic 10, SEC
C+: Big 12
C: Conference USA, Southland
C-: NEC
D+:
D: MAAC
D-: Ohio Valley
F: America East

TL;DR

What the hell is a Stonehill?